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| You're kidding, right? Tell me you're kidding. I have a knife and I'll use it if I have to, dammit! |
I normally feel bad whenever I download games illegally, no matter how outdated they may be. Usually I drain my guilt by reading
the award I got back in fourth grade for good citizenship over and over again. Good citizenship, that means I'm a good citizen,
right? Ok. Now I feel better.
However, after playing "Secret Agent Barbie: The Royal Jewels Mission", I felt so disgusted, so violated, that
it should be the makers of this game, not me, who should read their good citizenship award over and over again to drain their
own guilt. The game starts off by telling me about all this shit that is copyrighted by Mattel, including the color "Barbie
Pink". Can you really do that? If so, I'm copyrighting the color Pedro Red and I'll sue your ass if you use it. And since
you have no way of knowing what Pedro Red looks like, I recommend you simply stay away from the color red in general. When
the actual game starts, you are informed that the Family Jewels of the Queen of England have been stolen. This made me giggle,
since my dad always refers to people's private parts as the "family jewels". Haha, get it? The people over at Mattel
have a sense of humor!
Anyhow, the game works like this. You sneak around a bunch of places while avoiding security guards and the such. If security
sees you, they start yelling into their walkie-talkies:
"Holy shit! There's a chick in a wetsuit walking around here!"
If you stick around for too long (too long being anything over three million hours) while the security guards yell into their
walkie-talkies, the game ends. It's kinda like Metal Gear Solid. The only difference is that Metal Gear Solid kicks ass, while
this game, um, doesn't.
...Kick ass, I mean.
But back to the story line. It seems that the person who stole the diamonds is called Camille (haha, sorry Crenshaw) and
she escapes from Barbie. In fact, she plans on escaping to China. In a speedboat. From England. After checking a few maps,
I decided that it's a very stupid way to get to China. But then again, who am I to criticize someone who was sneaky enough
to steal her majesty's family jewels? Get it? Get it?
From China, Barbie follows Camille around as she escaped to Italy, and finally, Mexico. Apparently, her majesty's family
jewels have some sort of mystical Aztec power and they can be used to hypnotize people. Get it? Get it?
At the end of the game, after having caught Camille, the Queen gives Barbie a phone call and thanks her for returning
the family jewels to their rightful place. Get it? Get it?
-Pey M. E.
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