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I'm not sure if I should write an article about this movie, because I normally write articles about things I dislike, but
I grew up with the Power Rangers and they have a special place in my heart. Except for the Green Ranger, who was cool until
he became the White Ranger. Psh. Sellout.
Anyway, just know as you read this article that I love the Power Rangers. Don't take anything I say too seriously, except
for the stuff I say about the White Ranger. Psh. Sellout.
The box cover for the Power Rangers movie reads "Six adolescents defend the world against evil". Why Zordon,
the leader of the Power Rangers, chose these six hormone-driven kids is anyone's guess. My best bet is that Zordon is a bit
of a pedophile, and he gets lonely living in that little tube of his.
The Power Rangers, like any other good superhero team, keep their identity a secret. You'd think that someone would have
figured it out anyway, considering the fact that they dress according to their color EVERY FUCKING DAY (the Pink Ranger always
wears pink shorts, the Red Ranger always wears red shirts, the Black Ranger wears trench coats and moans about his miserable
life at night, etc.), but apparently everyone other than the Rangers is retarded.
The movie starts off with the Rangers jumping off a plane and skydiving down to a nearby park... for no apparent reason.
They all make a relatively good landing, except for the Black Ranger, who it seems was having some sort of seizure in the
sky. After they land, Tommy (the White Ranger) is approached by a little kid whose voice is almost as irritating as his pre-teen
wannabe backwards cap.
After the random activity of sky diving, the Rangers proceed to the random activity of rollerblading. You'd think that,
being the Power Rangers and all, they would have more pressing matters to attend to, but they don't...
Oh, wait! Yes they do! They've just been called by Alpha, the robot helper of Zordon, and she (or he, I'm not sure) wants
them to get to their base ASAP. So they use their super-warp-speed thingy (which again, no one around seems to notice) to
fly over to Zordon's weird sand castle base. Once there, Zordon informs them that an egg containing a dangerous superhuman
being, known as Ivan Ooze, has been accidentally dug up by nearby construction workers, and that if nothing is done about
it, Ivan Ooze will "hatch" and destroy the world with his purple... um, ooziness.
Why the hell is it that whenever something interesting happens, it's ALWAYS conveniently somewhere in the Rangers' home
town? I don't know, but there's no time to ponder, because the Rangers arrive at the construction site too late, and Ivan
Ooze has already been "hatched". And, as always, the bad guy is funnier, cooler-looking, wittier and smarter than
the good guys. What's new? What comes next is a good old-fashioned fight between the Rangers and Ivan Ooze's minions. Remember
how in the TV show the Rangers would always end up fighting those dudes that kinda look like crash test dummies? Well, Ivan
Ooze's minions are just like them, except slimier. And dumber.
While the Power Rangers are fighting these purple, slimy children of evil, Ivan Ooze manages to escape, and he makes his
way over to Zordon's base. Now, I'm no Martha Stewart, but if your so called "impenetrable" base can be penetrated
by a guy who's most impressive ability is turning into a giant purple booger, you might want to pick up a few things at Home
Depot. Not only does Ivan infiltrate Zordon's fortress, he also starts bitching at him about how angry he is that Zordon locked
him up in that egg.
"Do you know what it's like to live in an egg for 6,000 years, Zordon?!"
Dude. Zordon lives in a tube. A fucking TUBE, ok? I'm sure he hasn't exactly been having the time of his life, either.
But Ivan just isn't willing to forgive and forget. He mercilessly destroys Zordon's base, which results in the Power Rangers
losing all of their superpowers. There is, however, something cool that comes out of this. Now that Zordon's tube has been
destroyed, viewers can see what Zordon really looks like for the first time ever. For those of you who didn't see the movie,
or maybe you did but you can't remember it, I'll show you what he looks like.
Here he is, in his normal, every-day tube:
And here he is, once the tube has been destroyed:
I'm just as shocked as you are. I used to think that Zordon was a giant floating head, and I'm sure everyone else did too,
but now you're telling me he has an actual body?! WHOA! I'm speechless! I mean, just look at him! He's so old and wrinkly!
He looks like a midget living inside a giant nut sack! Gross! Eww! What a disappointment. But enough talk about poor old Zordon.
Back to the movie.
The Power Rangers are sent to a far off planet in search of a mystical power that can help save the dying Zordon. When
they arrive, they are greeted by more of Ivan's minions, only this time it's not the stupid slimy ones. It's a mix between
the flying monkeys from The Wizard of Oz and Michael Jackson as a zombie in his "Thriller" video. Without their
powers, the Rangers are incapable of defeating the beasts themselves, but luckily they're saved by a sexy native called Dulcea.
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| If I had to take a guess, I'd say that Dulcea used to be Zordon's bitch. |
Dulcea seems to have a connection to Zordon, but she's not willing to reveal it to the Rangers (I can't say that I blame her,
I mean I wouldn't want my connections to a pale bald wrinkly midget to be known either). She does, however, grant them new
powers. Instead of being Power Rangers, she turns them into "Ninjeti Rangers", which is actually just a lame name
for ninjas. This is the moment that gave birth to all the stupid Power Ranger spin-offs that there are nowadays. It's a shame,
too, because they're not half as good as the original.
The "Ninjeti Rangers" find their way through the planet to a temple, fighting undead dinosaurs and a group of
monsters that look like those rock guys from "The Neverending Story" along the way. At the temple they acquire the
mystical power that is needed to save Zordon and they are soon on their way back to earth...
And it's not a pretty sight. Ivan Ooze has caused chaos to spread throughout the entire city using his new giant robot
scorpion. What did I tell you? The bad guy ALWAYS has cooler stuff than the good guys! It's insane! But now that they have
their new mystical powers, the Rangers can use new Zords as well (for those of you who didn't follow the show, "Zords"
were giant robots that the Power Rangers always used at the end of every show. They each looked like a different animal, but
when merged together they created the ultimate fighting machine. Kinda like Transformers). After the Rangers defeat the robot
scorpion (who would've guessed?), Ivan Ooze grows in size like, a bizzilion times and becomes a giant robot himself. As if
this whole ending wasn't too stupid and confusing enough, a train appears out of nowhere and is heading straight for a broken
railway line.
"Oh, no!"
"What is that?"
"The railway line! Oh, no! It's broken!"
"Oh, no!"
"Oh, no!"
Oh, no! I wouldn't worry too much, though. The train was filled with a bunch of kids. And we all know how annoying THEY
can be. But the White Ranger is too much of a boy scout to let them die, and he places his Zord in the shape of a railway
to fill the gap.
...Asshole.
What follows is an ending so ridiculous, so confusing, so utterly perplexing, that you'll have to highlight it with your
mouse to find out what it is.
Ivan Ooze was destroyed by Haley's Comet. I swear to God, that's how it ended. Don't worry. I was just as baffled as you are.
-Pey M. E.
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