Democrats and Republicans

The Hand of Mockery

Other Stuff

"Don't vote-- it encourages them!"
-Michael Moore

"What are you? Are you a democrat? Or a republican?" Whenever someone asks me that question I become tense and my brain starts searching frantically for a way to get out of answering the question because I know that if I don't give them the answer they are looking for, my relationship with that person will always have that little chunk of mutual dislike hanging in the back. Am I a democrat or a republican? I don't know. Let me flip a coin and then I'll get back to you on that. Is there a difference? Sure, all the democrats call the republicans idiots and all the republicans call the democrats stupid. They are sworn enemies, and I do not truly know why. Democrats and republicans are like identical twins. They claim to be the exact opposite of the other and they pick a fight every chance they get, but deep down they are exactly alike.

Democrats are supposedly the liberals. The hippies, the gays and lesbians, the socialists... all democrats, right? All left wing? As a matter of fact, for the most part, I would say yes. But the real democrats, the democrats who make all the important decisions, are the politicians. And who are they? They are the ones who like waste your money like it were toilet paper, have affairs with their pudgy secretaries and let floods of illegal aliens have driver's licenses so they can ram into cars with "My Idiot Child Won a Stupid Award at a Moron School" bumper stickers. Yup, there you have it. That is your everyday stereotype of a democrat.

But what about the republicans? Republicans need stereotypes too, right? Well, they have plenty. They are the southern folks, the moralist Christians, the military families and the hotshot businessmen. And these people vote, of course, for the republican politicians. You know the type. They raise taxes to a suffocating level, and yet they seem to spend only a small portion of it and keep the rest for themselves. They like to defend the American people's right to "bear arms, and arm bears and all points in between!" so that we can continue to be the number one country when it comes to school shootings. And as if that were not enough for any political cartoonist to be in paradise, they also like to take bribes from unpleasant-looking foreigners. All riiight! USA! USA!

So, after seeing all the differences between democrats and republicans, how can I say that they boil down to basically the same thing? Because they do. They may use different methods, but eventually both parties always manage to do the same thing: be very, very bad at their job. Politicians believe that people no longer go out and vote because we love being lazy. They could not be more wrong. The reason why we do not vote is because there is no one to vote for!

So what about you? Are you a democrat or a republican? Do you want the numskull on the left or the nincompoop on the right?

Feedback? Submissions? Suggestions? Or maybe you just want to tell me how much of your time I wasted by making this website? Email me at